Holiday Blues

Was just looking through some pictures. You know - I still look at pictures of my ex wife and wonder "what happened"? I find myself thinking sometimes now, that I saw it coming and have even heard myself say that in hindsight, I saw it 'unraveling', but I really don't think I did. I know I've probably said this a million times, but don't take for granted what you have with your significant other. That sense of camaraderie from being together for years, the sensation of knowing what someone is feeling or how they are doing just from being in the same room with them and overall - that sense of comfort from just being with someone that you love is priceless. It's one of those things that is just really hard to appreciate until it's gone. Sometimes I wish I could forget how I felt, what we once had. Kind of the way I tend to forget about all the mean nasty things she did. This weekend is 2 years to the date from the time she walked out the door and this dark feeling looms on me heavy like a bad dream fresh on the surface of my mind. The holidays seem to bring that on. I guess being very family oriented, and having a very loving family just gets me feeling a little lost around this time of year. I feel like I'm missing something or someone. I am really thankful for all the progress I've made, but I really do wish that it would all go away some days - just forget that it ever was. You know? My brother told me the other day that I "always get a little wierd around the holidays" - I hope that others don't see that in me. I long for the days when I really looked forward to Thanksgiving - Christmas and New Years. Hope this doesn't worry you - I'm doing fine, circumstances and timing just have me feeling a little blue - promise I'll shake it off. But at this particular moment, I'm reminded of a song by Smokey Robinson -
"So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.."