Holiday Blues

Was just looking through some pictures. You know - I still look at pictures of my ex wife and wonder "what happened"? I find myself thinking sometimes now, that I saw it coming and have even heard myself say that in hindsight, I saw it 'unraveling', but I really don't think I did. I know I've probably said this a million times, but don't take for granted what you have with your significant other. That sense of camaraderie from being together for years, the sensation of knowing what someone is feeling or how they are doing just from being in the same room with them and overall - that sense of comfort from just being with someone that you love is priceless. It's one of those things that is just really hard to appreciate until it's gone. Sometimes I wish I could forget how I felt, what we once had. Kind of the way I tend to forget about all the mean nasty things she did. This weekend is 2 years to the date from the time she walked out the door and this dark feeling looms on me heavy like a bad dream fresh on the surface of my mind. The holidays seem to bring that on. I guess being very family oriented, and having a very loving family just gets me feeling a little lost around this time of year. I feel like I'm missing something or someone. I am really thankful for all the progress I've made, but I really do wish that it would all go away some days - just forget that it ever was. You know? My brother told me the other day that I "always get a little wierd around the holidays" - I hope that others don't see that in me. I long for the days when I really looked forward to Thanksgiving - Christmas and New Years. Hope this doesn't worry you - I'm doing fine, circumstances and timing just have me feeling a little blue - promise I'll shake it off. But at this particular moment, I'm reminded of a song by Smokey Robinson -
"So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.."

Memoirs of a Broken Man

It's raining outside this morning. For the following months after she first left it seemed to rain every day. I often thought it was tears from heaven for a lost soul and a broken heart. It seems ironic that it is raining again today as I opened my official divorce papers this morning at 8:30am. After 1 year and 9 months, it's finally over. 10 years ago in January 1998 was when we began dating. I won't go into details because frankly it's not worth rehashing. The point was that I was in love. I fully committed this love on May 25th, 2002 when I stood in The Rose Garden at Independence Park and made my vows to the women I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I think it is important to reflect on these vows, because you can't be who you are if you don't remember who you were:

I, P, promise to you:
To respect you, trust you and listen to you when you need me most.
To be the best friend I can to you and to fill your life with smiles and laughter.
To grow old with you and be faithful to you and your love.
To encourage and support you through our walk of life together.
To continue to remind myself of this love that has brought us here together today.
To love you the best that I know how when life is simple and when it seems hard.
To take time each day to think of ways to continue to love you more every day.
To be there for you to protect, to honor and to cherish you for the rest of my life.
This is my solemn promise to you.

Now I am not a simple man. I never have been. I have, however, always tried my best to stand by my word. Words are important to me and words in love and promises are even more important. I come from several generations of 'lifers' when it comes to marriage. In today's society we are surrounded by divorce and I hate it. Today's society has made a mockery out of the sacred bond of matrimony by making vows to one another that they have no intentions of standing by and following through. When you make a promise to someone with the words above, it is something that you can never take back. This brings me back to today. I feel a sense of relief that this day has finally come. I've already put this love behind me and moved on and now it is official. The final piece of closure on a painful episode of my life.
I also feel a great sense of failure. I have no disillusions that I could have changed the outcome. I begged, pleaded, wrote, spoke - did anything that I thought might bring her back - change the way she felt - make her love me once more. I remember as if it was yesterday how I spent the first 2 weeks after she said she was leaving - I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I could just find the right words I could change everything. I knew it. I don't think I've ever felt so much hurt in all my life. Crippling waves of grief would overcome me for months afterwards, that would bring me to my knees, vision blurred with tears streaming down my face. I was humbled more than I would have ever thought possible. It's hard to be proud standing in front of your parents unable to complete a thought, a sentenance, look them in the eyes or even stand on your own two feet because you're broken.
I feel deceived. I feel foolish. There was never a point when I thought, "what would life be like without her?". I knew that she would always be there. I knew that life with her was what would always be. She promised me as I had promised her. Does this make me angry? No. "To live is to risk dying; To love is to risk not being loved in return; Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness". "Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon" and I think I do both quite well. So no, I'm not angry, because if you are to truly love, you must risk it all, throw caution to the wind and love as if there is no tomorrow.
Today is a new day. I'm putting the past behind me. Tommorow there is love. I'll try my best to learn from my mistakes, and I will love again. I will throw inhibition to the wind and love as if my life depended on it. This is who I am. This is what I will always be. There'll be more pain, there is no doubt about that, but the love that will be shared will over shadow the pain and wash it away like the rain of a mid-summer's day. So come out my sunshine and warm my face with the heat of your rays. They'll be no more tears for now. I have a mended heart, a new outlook, a new attitude and it's a brand new day - I'm back. Thank you all my friends and family, without you I'm not sure I would have made it here today. When I was too weak to carry myself, you lifted my spirits, my hopes and carried me through some of the worse times I've seen to date. I love you all and I'll never forget what you've done for me!

Thank you,

~P

-- "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mindand those who mind don't matter." -- Dr. Seuss