Waterfall Memories

My folks recently took a vacation to the Blue Ridge Mountains and visited a waterfall called Turtleback falls. I knew of the place and described it to my Dad but the place he was at seemed somehow different. The falls themself sounded the same, but how he got there was entirely different. I finally figured out why I have been so confused! It has COMPLETELY changed since the last time I was there. When I was in college, we used to go there a couple of times a summer. We'd frequently run into folks from Clemson and often heard that people died at Rainbow Falls. I knew a dog that went over Rainbow Falls and survived - had to have surgury on his leg (badly broken) but he survived! We would park on the side of Hwy 281 and hike down to 'Bust Ass Falls' and slide down it till we were ready to move on (usually after someone got hurt). I have a picture of all of us standing at the top. I understand from the article below, that is now private property and you can only look at the falls from afar. We would then hike down to Turtleback Falls and swim in the lagoon and slide down the rock off of the Falls - about a 10 to 15 foot drop into the water below. We'd also leap off the boulders surrounding the lagoon into the very cold water below. I've swam behind Turtleback and there is a small ledge about 1 foot below the water (about 1 foot wide) you can stand on while the waterfall hammers down about 2 feet in front of you. I remember how scared I was swimming towards the falls after someone told us about the ledge behind the falls. I'd always thought of myself as a decent swimmer, but as I swam freestyle towards the waterfall with 2 other friends I started questioning weather I would be able to do this. Just as I got close to the falls, I could no longer breathe because of all the mist and powered through to the other side of the waterfall. When I came up on the other side of the waterfall I was in a near panic to draw a breath of air and rest - I was totally spent from the effort of swimming against the current and under the weight of the falls. My other friend shouted over the incredible roar of the water - "there! - reach out!" Sure enough there was a ledge, just below the surface, about a foot under water. I dragged myself on to the ledge and stood. It was only about a foot wide, but when I pulled myself on to it and stood in the shin deep water, the sight in front of me was beyond words. As the three of us stood on the ledge with our backs against the bedrock, a massive wall of water hammered down in front of us, lit from the sunlight behind it. In that moment I felt a rush of relief as I stood awestruck knowing that the risk had been worth it. After standing there a few minutes enjoying the site and catching our breath we all looked at one another as we knew the journey back to the other side of the waterfall could be just as hairy as the journey in. Almost as one, we leaped from the ledge straight out into the falls to avoid the water trying to push you down and under. Instantly as we made contact with the water, we were thrust under water and away from the falls. Swimming as hard as we could in the direction of the bubbles - UP - and breaking the surface once again gasping for air. At one corner of the lagoon, the water rushed out in a 5 to 10 foot wide torrent towards Rainbow Falls - 125 foot drop to the ground below. I remember being a little scared but nothing on the level I should have been!
The risk we sometimes take when we are younger amaze me to this day. Looking back on it I would have done it all again had I known what it would be like to stand behind that waterfall. Later in life my Mom shared a quote with me - "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's learning to dance in the rain". This day I learned a dangerous, intoxicating dance with a waterfall in a seemingly never ending storm. It was a magical moment etched in my memory forever. Makes me grin just thinking about it.
That was one day back in the summer of 1990. Below is the article that explains what happened over the past 17 years - http://www.ncwaterfalls.com/horse1.htm

Zoe - Feb 1995 to Sept 2010

Rest In Peace my little princess. For almost 16 years you've been the best friend that a man could ask for. You've almost never let me down and you never have let me down on purpose. It gives me bleary vision to even think about her right now, but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. She was a good dog and I do find some comfort in knowing she is in a better place now – pain free, running around sniffing butts with my wife's dogs and driving my grandpa to fits of laughter.

I had to put Zoe down yesterday afternoon. She had been having a rough time over the past few weeks. Almost a month ago I took her into the Vet thinking it was the end because she couldn’t stand up on hardwoods, tile and couldn’t do the stairs. He gave me some options – 1 being euthanasia and another being steroids. She was fighting the Vet techs like Muhammad Ali and pacing around the tile like nothing was wrong so we went with the steroids. It helped tremendously and she was able to stand up on her on, walking, taking the stairs for the next few weeks. The past couple of weeks, she had all but stopped eating and the past 3 days she hardly ate at all. The past couple of days she was having blowouts around the house that I won’t go into detail about, but you could tell that things were failing internally. The last night she was with us she had also developed this rattling in her chest like she had fluid in her lungs. She rode to the vet without being scared and she was as strong as ever in the vet’s office but she didn’t fight this time – not like in the past. It was very peaceful in the end and I really think she was just hanging on because she wanted to be there for me.

This has been really rough for me and I think it will take a long time before I really feel like smiling again. The roller coaster ride over the weeks of thinking that this could be the last day of her life. Being torn between making the decision to put her out of her misery or let her continue her life. Who is to say what 'quality of life' is? For some, it may be just opening your eyes to see someone who loves you. She’s been my best friend through some tough times. There’s been many happy and sad times in my life over the past 16 years and she was always there for me, eager to ease the pain with her wagging tail and sweet demeanor. She was a good dog.

Holiday Blues

Was just looking through some pictures. You know - I still look at pictures of my ex wife and wonder "what happened"? I find myself thinking sometimes now, that I saw it coming and have even heard myself say that in hindsight, I saw it 'unraveling', but I really don't think I did. I know I've probably said this a million times, but don't take for granted what you have with your significant other. That sense of camaraderie from being together for years, the sensation of knowing what someone is feeling or how they are doing just from being in the same room with them and overall - that sense of comfort from just being with someone that you love is priceless. It's one of those things that is just really hard to appreciate until it's gone. Sometimes I wish I could forget how I felt, what we once had. Kind of the way I tend to forget about all the mean nasty things she did. This weekend is 2 years to the date from the time she walked out the door and this dark feeling looms on me heavy like a bad dream fresh on the surface of my mind. The holidays seem to bring that on. I guess being very family oriented, and having a very loving family just gets me feeling a little lost around this time of year. I feel like I'm missing something or someone. I am really thankful for all the progress I've made, but I really do wish that it would all go away some days - just forget that it ever was. You know? My brother told me the other day that I "always get a little wierd around the holidays" - I hope that others don't see that in me. I long for the days when I really looked forward to Thanksgiving - Christmas and New Years. Hope this doesn't worry you - I'm doing fine, circumstances and timing just have me feeling a little blue - promise I'll shake it off. But at this particular moment, I'm reminded of a song by Smokey Robinson -
"So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.."

To be a Leader?

So I've been thinking - how do you go from pit bull to fox or better yet maybe to alpha dog of a large pack? The alpha dog resides the highest in the pack - his decisions will make the difference on if his pack will eat. Meanwhile he sits back appearing to be calm and relaxed - head high, proud of his pack - his accomplishments. A fox slipping through a field of grass gives the appearance of sneaking as he moves confidently and gracefully outwitting his foe or fiend.

Sitting in a conference call earlier this morning with my boss and some vendors, I noticed that I looked to him for 'signals'. "Should I pounce? And if so, how hard? Go for the jugular? Or nip at a heel?" My original question is important to me, because I see myself as a leader, but can't figure out how to get out of the 'lead-man' role and into the leader seat or from the pit bull to the alpha dog. Obviously you can't be a leader unless someone wants to follow. And furthermore, why would you lead unless you have a good reason - a reason that resides high in the values and priorities of the others willing to follow. Watching the national debate between Palin and Biden, I try to pick up some notes on leadership - two different approaches - Palin trying to show and explain why she should win a popularity contest and Biden demonstrating why he should win through actions. Sometimes those actions speak louder than words - the moment Biden paused on being a single parent after the death of his wife spoke volumes to me. Overcoming life challenges or hurdles says a lot about a person's character. To me anyways it seems to be a good indication of your sensitivity to other's issues and concerns and more of a willingness to get involved.

So what was the lesson here and how does it relate to my desire to learn how to become a leader? Obscure as it may be, I think it may rely heavily on 'confidence'. The things these people have in common - my boss, Palin, Biden - confidence that they will succeed - at least that is the face they show to us. Confidence that they are right, that their way is the correct way and the ability to convince you of the same. First, to be a leader, you must understand your audience - your followers. You have to understand what their wants and needs are and truly believe in them yourself and want them as much as they do and more. As a leader, you wear this passion on your sleeve - a badge of honor that drives you as the desire to breathe - desperate, aggresive, calm and natural together in seamless harmony. This is what makes you a leader - people look to you because you listen to them and they believe in you to guide them to their goals - their wants and desires. Yup - no monumental discovery here - possibly even as disappointing as discovering the common sense behind 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. Stay tuned for more mindless ramblings and random thoughts from your favorite Phatboy . . .

Love, Lust and Cool Blue Water

First of all - I'm a little hopped up on meds trying to make it through the day. So you'll have to forgive if I'm a little spacey.

It was a super cool trip - one of my most fave so far. I was stressed Thurs, because I had to catch a 7:30am flight out of Charlotte - didn't get to bed until Midnight the night before and had to get up at 4:30am that morning! My flight from Charlotte to Philly blew, mostly because my seat wouldn't recline and partially due to the lack of sleep. Then I had a 1 hr layover in Philly. Just before I was about to board, I saw an old friend that I had heard was going to be at the wedding - Erin and her new hubby Brain who is an anchorman on the nightly News - pretty cool cat. Funny thing was I knew he looked real familiar but couldn't place it until I overheard him telling someone else the night after. I'm so clueless when it comes to TV people or celebs - I could be sitting right next to one and probably not recognize them and even then I don't know that I'd be that impressed, but this guy was pretty cool. Anyway, we chatted it up for a while on the way to the plane while we went through that whole awkward - "yea it's no longer P and S - just P" conversation. I knew there was going to be at least 3 people at this wedding that I used to hang out with about 8 to 10 years ago and just hadn't seen in a while. Turned out to be 4 people and another couple that we had mutual friends in common. On the flight from Philly to Bermuda, I ended up sitting in that same stupid seat that would not recline! This time I was sitting next to a women, talking to her about Bermuda - turns out she is the Aunt of the bride! And even better - she was throwing a 'welcome' party that night that I was debating on going to. Marie had told me about the 'welcome' party the night before, but knowing she was not going to get in until after the party Thursday night, I wasn't 100% sure I really wanted to go. Needless to say by the end of the flight, she had introduced me to half the wedding party from Lynchburg, VA (bride's hometown) and made sure I was going to the welcome party. Before I was debating on going because I knew Marie wasn't going to get there before 9pm and wouldn't make it to the party. So I went to the party and stopped next door by this chick Ducky's room (Marie's friend - was coming in early - I used to hang with her about 8 yr.s ago) on the way. I knocked on the door and she freaked out when she saw me, jumped up and down and was sooooo excited. I silently wondered to myself - did she get a boob job or have they always been that big (Double E) - it's amazing the things you don't notice when you are married. We went to this party and I just started walking around talking to people and introducing myself - dipping into the 'sauce' (Dark & Stormys - Bermuda Dark Rum and Bermuda Ginger Beer (root beer w/. ginger) w/ lemon). I met all kinds of people and was having a blast, then I took off around 9pm to go meet Marie at our Resort next door. Later, Marie told me that all the women were giving me MAJOR kudos for being able to walk into a room like that and make all kinds of friends and have people like me. :) Ducky and I walked down to the beach and took the beach to the resort next door - the Coco-Coco Beach Resort. We stopped at her room and decided to wait for her in the bar. As we were walking towards the bar I saw a van pull up - I told Ducky to grab some seats at the bar and went out front to meet what I thought was going to be Marie pulling up - it was, so I gave her big hugs and a kiss! Then I grabbed her bags and told her that Ducky was waiting in the bar, go grab a drink and I'd take her bags to her room. She did, and I came back and met them - got a drink and we all went down to the pool and had a couple drinks. Then we went back to the bar and ordered a 6 pack each and went back to the rooms to change into our bathing suits. Then we walked down to the beach for a couple of beers and all went for a midnight swim! The water was about 87 degrees - warmer than the air even and crystal clear! The moonlight was just enough to see clearly and even in the dark you could see your toes wiggling in that clear blue water! You don't have to worry about sharks there because of the reef that surrounds the Island! After a nice relaxing swim and playing in the waves, we made our way back to our rooms - Ducky went to hers and we spent the next few hours drying one another off and getting to know one another again under the pale moonlight of a Bermuda night!
Friday morning, we rousted out of bed in time to catch the free breakfast at the resort, looking out over a slightly overcast morning with scattered bouts of what the locals were selling as 'liquid sunshine' or what we like to call rain. :) All the locals on the Island were super nice - British colonies and I don't think we met one single person that wasn't thrilled to see us! Marie and Ducky had to go to a bridal luncheon at the Elbow resort - right next door. So while they did that I went for a run on the Bermuda Railways Trails - where they had pulled up the old rail road that went all across the Island and converted it to a nature trail. The railroad actually covered about 26 miles worth of Island at one point and now was home to waves of green ferns cascading over 20 foot walls of carved out volcanic Island. It was a super cool little 5 mile run that ended up being about 6 miles. Our resort was in Paget Parish - about the middle of the Island on the South side - one of the closest resorts to the beach, except for one that is actually built on stilts in a bay - Bora Bora Style. So I got on the trails where they begin in Padget Parish and ran South West towards the West end of the Island. Along the way, I saw a sign on the trail that said 'this way to Elbow Beach'. So on the way back, I had already completed my 5 miles, so I decided to maybe check out this trail head and finish up on a cool down walk along the beach. Well - I had read several things on the internet that highly discouraged running on any of the roads on the Island as the roads are all very narrow (and of course they drive on the opposite side as us). Well after running straight up a giant hill, feeling like I was about to die, I ran out of trail and had to get on the main road. I could see the Ocean, so I knew I didn't have far to run - or so I thought. I must have run about a mile wide open as fast as I could, dodging into driveways and small niches in the wall to avoid getting creamed by cars!! Cars would see me running and would start honking from several blocks down the road. It was like playing a real live game of Frogger! I was exhausted by the time I made it to the beach, but did have a nice pleasant walk along the beach back to the Hotel. So glad I brought a big PowerAde on my run with me! After my run, I had time to go grab some lunch at the hotel bar and a swim down at the beach before I got up with Marie. She came walking down the beach while I was exploring around the rocks checking out some really large Angel fish swimming in the surf looking for some handouts. We walked a little ways down the beach, holding hands and chatting, discussing each other's days. We went back up to the hotel and showered for the rehearsal dinner that night back up at the Elbow Resort. When we got there, I left her and Ducky to the rehearsal (both were bridesmaids - 10 total bridesmaids I think). I went over to Brain's room and hung out with him and Ryan while they got ready for the dinner. They were both in pretty rough shape from going to bar hopping in downtown - Hamilton the night before. The dinner was great - good food - there was some fresh fish - Mahi and Wahoo caught by the groomsmen earlier that day. After dinner we all went to the Bride's brother's cottage on resort properties for the after party. Good times and a long drunken walk back to our resort around 1am with all the women since their men had bailed earlier in the evening! The last time I looked at the clock this night, it was 4am, so needless to say we had a lot to catch up on since last we had some time alone!!
Saturday was a beautiful day - we scarfed down breakfast to get out on the beach as soon as possible. We stayed out there and played in the Ocean all day - by this point Ducky's boyfriend had shown up too and hung out with us. We snorkeled and swam most of the day stopping just for short breaks to bask back in the sun. The waves were surprisingly big right at the break on the beach - reminded me of the Outer Banks. At one point I was teaching Marie how to use the snorkel and mask - we were standing just outside the break in the Ocean and a huge wave came unexpected. I felt the water line dip low on my waist and turned in time to see the wave and immediately made a dive towards it. As I did I made a glance back to make sure Marie was following suit. Instead what I saw was Marie just standing there, in about knee deep water at this point, with snorkel and mask and heard a murmured "Uh-oh", before my head plowed into the wave. As I came up, I turned quickly towards the shore realizing Marie must have been absolutely creamed by that wave. What I saw was nothing but ass and elbows bouncing along the sandy bottom as she got tumbled up on shore. I ran towards her and helped her up and made sure she wasn't hurt before explaining that there was nothing magical about the mask and snorkel - it would not prevent a pummeling by the Ocean. We laughed for a long time about that! We had a late lunch back up at the resort, Marie had to leave to go get her hair done for the wedding, and I went back down on the beach by myself for a couple hours to relax and read in the sun taking the occasional dip in the light blue ocean water!
The wedding was very cool! It was a 5ish wedding right on the beach in front of the resort, everyone was dressed all kinds of different ways from Hawaiian print shirts to suit and tie, so I fit right in even though I didn't bring my tie. Must say, it was the first time I had ever walked down the beach barefoot in suit pants and a starched white button down. Got quite a few looks. Carried my shoes in hand - good call on the shoes btw - would have been WAAAY over dressed in dress shoes! After the wedding, everyone headed back up to the terrace for a cocktail hour. I stayed down on the beach to take a couple extra pics and went and shuttled some drinks to all the grooms and bridesmaids to their delight (minus the photographer's) who looked quite parched in their sunny photo shoot! The cocktail hour on the terrace was super cool, watching the sun go down while we grabbed a table for dinner with all the new and old friends we'd met. Another good meal with some funny speeches and dancing on the terrace under the moonlight bouncing all over the Ocean! After the reception started closing down, we all headed up to the bar of the hotel at the top of the resort overlooking the rest of the resort and the Ocean. At one point I walked out of the bar on to the porch where the bide was giving me big time props to Marie - said I had quite a few fans there for someone most had only met a couple days ago! :) There we danced to live jazz and blues, and shut down the bar and then some - we ordered several bottles of liquor and mixers before the bar closed and sat on the back patio of the bar overlooking the Ocean mixing our own drinks and jamming to an iPOD with nice speakers that someone brought. Things got pretty wild there - there was a whole lot of smooching and dancing on top of tables and chairs going on! And of course another nice walk on the beach back to our resort with another long session of rolling around the room till the wee hours of the morning! We got back to the room that night around 2am, got to bed around 5am and Marie had to get up at 6:30am to catch her flight! About 30 min later, I heard a knock on the door and low and behold it was sweet Marie, looking a little frustrated but glad to be back - her flight was delayed till Noon - so we rolled around the room a little more getting our morning workout and took a little nap before she had to take off again. My flight didn't leave till 3:30, so I got up went and had a muffin and coffee - bout all I could handle as I seemed to have drank quite a bit the night before and managed to stick to liquor ALL NIGHT! I got all lubed up for the sun and realized I only had about 15 min. on the beach, so I opted for a little reading on the deck overlooking the Ocean instead. I ended up sharing a taxi to the airport around 1:30pm with a nice couple from Jacksonville that was at the wedding. They had gotten engaged the night of the wedding - very discreetly so as to not take anything away from the wedding. Earlier in the night that same couple had given Marie and I 'the cutest couple' award for the weekend! It was really funny at the airport, because it seemed like half the people in there were at the wedding the night before! I had several people wanting to check out the pictures I took at the bar that night! The flight back to Philly was fairly uneventful, I read and reflected. I had really missed Marie a lot when she left - to the point where I had to try hard not to let it get me down that she was gone. I had asked her if she would like to come back here again one day with me and she said she would love to - maybe Spring Break this year. :) After a 2 hour layover in Philly, I finally was on my way back to Charlotte and finally got home about 11:15pm! While I was in Philly, I couldn't help but notice, how relaxed my whole body was and how at peace I felt with the world. I would love to figure out how to capture that feeling and use it any time! It just doesn't seem to happen near enough - about 3 hours back to work on Monday with my cold I picked up on my way out of Bermuda, my shoulders and back were all tight as a spring board as if I had never gone anywhere, with the only remnants of vacation being the hurried glances in the mirror in the bathroom at a really tan face and the occasional flashback of a wonderful weekend with a girl that I've become quite fond of! :)

The End

Memoirs of a Broken Man

It's raining outside this morning. For the following months after she first left it seemed to rain every day. I often thought it was tears from heaven for a lost soul and a broken heart. It seems ironic that it is raining again today as I opened my official divorce papers this morning at 8:30am. After 1 year and 9 months, it's finally over. 10 years ago in January 1998 was when we began dating. I won't go into details because frankly it's not worth rehashing. The point was that I was in love. I fully committed this love on May 25th, 2002 when I stood in The Rose Garden at Independence Park and made my vows to the women I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I think it is important to reflect on these vows, because you can't be who you are if you don't remember who you were:

I, P, promise to you:
To respect you, trust you and listen to you when you need me most.
To be the best friend I can to you and to fill your life with smiles and laughter.
To grow old with you and be faithful to you and your love.
To encourage and support you through our walk of life together.
To continue to remind myself of this love that has brought us here together today.
To love you the best that I know how when life is simple and when it seems hard.
To take time each day to think of ways to continue to love you more every day.
To be there for you to protect, to honor and to cherish you for the rest of my life.
This is my solemn promise to you.

Now I am not a simple man. I never have been. I have, however, always tried my best to stand by my word. Words are important to me and words in love and promises are even more important. I come from several generations of 'lifers' when it comes to marriage. In today's society we are surrounded by divorce and I hate it. Today's society has made a mockery out of the sacred bond of matrimony by making vows to one another that they have no intentions of standing by and following through. When you make a promise to someone with the words above, it is something that you can never take back. This brings me back to today. I feel a sense of relief that this day has finally come. I've already put this love behind me and moved on and now it is official. The final piece of closure on a painful episode of my life.
I also feel a great sense of failure. I have no disillusions that I could have changed the outcome. I begged, pleaded, wrote, spoke - did anything that I thought might bring her back - change the way she felt - make her love me once more. I remember as if it was yesterday how I spent the first 2 weeks after she said she was leaving - I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I could just find the right words I could change everything. I knew it. I don't think I've ever felt so much hurt in all my life. Crippling waves of grief would overcome me for months afterwards, that would bring me to my knees, vision blurred with tears streaming down my face. I was humbled more than I would have ever thought possible. It's hard to be proud standing in front of your parents unable to complete a thought, a sentenance, look them in the eyes or even stand on your own two feet because you're broken.
I feel deceived. I feel foolish. There was never a point when I thought, "what would life be like without her?". I knew that she would always be there. I knew that life with her was what would always be. She promised me as I had promised her. Does this make me angry? No. "To live is to risk dying; To love is to risk not being loved in return; Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness". "Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon" and I think I do both quite well. So no, I'm not angry, because if you are to truly love, you must risk it all, throw caution to the wind and love as if there is no tomorrow.
Today is a new day. I'm putting the past behind me. Tommorow there is love. I'll try my best to learn from my mistakes, and I will love again. I will throw inhibition to the wind and love as if my life depended on it. This is who I am. This is what I will always be. There'll be more pain, there is no doubt about that, but the love that will be shared will over shadow the pain and wash it away like the rain of a mid-summer's day. So come out my sunshine and warm my face with the heat of your rays. They'll be no more tears for now. I have a mended heart, a new outlook, a new attitude and it's a brand new day - I'm back. Thank you all my friends and family, without you I'm not sure I would have made it here today. When I was too weak to carry myself, you lifted my spirits, my hopes and carried me through some of the worse times I've seen to date. I love you all and I'll never forget what you've done for me!

Thank you,

~P

-- "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mindand those who mind don't matter." -- Dr. Seuss